I think I'm free.

The spell is broken. I no longer feel the conflict that has wrecked my life for the past month. I woke up Sunday morning feeling love. I kept having several dreams of kissing several people in several different scenarios. It didn't feel illicit. I didn't feel like a whore. I felt genuine love. The funny thing is, the incubus was not involved. I dreamed love. I dreamed of being missed. I dreamed of being the object of affection. Which is something I've longed to be, for more than just a fleeting moment of passion. In these dreams, the men weren't just people I've passed on the street, or faces I've designed in a fevered haze. They felt like reality. They felt like home.

The incubus doesn't feel like home to me. The incubus feels like an unfurnished apartment that I missed two months rent on. He feels like a hotel room when the bed isn't made. A space that isn't meant for me to occupy. I've only felt home once. I want to feel home again.

I wonder where he is now...

One aspect I've found in relationships is I tend to love hard. I'll love as if you're dying the next day. I'll love as if you're leaving to fight a war. Like my heart is going to implode if I don't shower you with my undying passion. Nothing is impossible to please you, my lover. Until my last breath. Until forever.

I'll cover the waterfront for you, my darling...

I need the same reciprocity. Some can't. Most won't. For fear of them being left stripped. Naked. Alone. Which, is what I've been left most times.

This time is distinctively odd...

Usually, I assume the role of the victim after being raped of all my esteem, worth and honor. Still, I proceed to build my castle, with another King. Only to be divested for an encore performance. This time, I'm building my castle with mortar and bricks instead of straw, denial and transgressions.

I'm strong now...

I shall not lie. I love the incubus. But I'm happy with loving the incubus in my own quiet way, with no production. No spectacle for the town simpleton to display. Just me. I can love the incubus from afar. I'll remember what the incubus brought to me for that one lightning flash. I'd like to befriend the incubus, and be released from the sexual longing. I want to be a sister to him. Love him like he was my own flesh and blood. Appreciate him for who he is, and feel pity for the women who've felt like I have for my fifteen minutes of splendor.

Appreciate him for granting me the moment to exhale.


The moment of my release....