Since January 2004...No, since November 2003, I've been elated, snubbed, fucked, and downright confounded by a man I just don't seem to quite understand.

Just when I think I have everything under control, the rug gets pulled from under me, and I've felt like I've said entirely too damn much.

Here's how it happened...

On November 1, 2003, my boyfriend of 4 years declared he no longer loved me. He continued to pour out his soul, claiming guilt for love he could not return. This came as a really big shock because, I thought everything was semi-tolerable. I screamed, issued death threats and just completely lost my mind. He just wants us to be friends. Yeah, sure...After 4 years of ego damaging remarks and bullshit. Yeah, let's be close friends.

Insert sarcasm here...

This is the kind of soul destructive denial I have exposed myself to for the last 10 years.


December 10, 2003...


I'd like to remember that as D-Day. The day I crossed paths with my incubus. The incubus is beautiful in every way possible. He's artistic, raunchy, sensitive, erotic, funny and imaginative. When he's in the mood. Sometimes, he confuses me into thinking I'm the only woman in his vast world, but then, he closes the door, only to throw me back in the queue of desperate women I've come to accept as his personal fan club.

Myself, I've never been attracted to this type of man, only because they were never attracted to me. I never bothered. I always chose men I've had a like humor with. A common bond. Best friends. Men who appreciate the seriousness of Akira. Men who knew the elation I felt when I bought my first iPod. Men who comprehend my geekiness as my sensuality. My cocoon. My power. My solace.

I've been captivated by the incubus since I've laid eyes on him. I wanted to give my soul over to him and I had no idea why. I even dubbed him as the one once.

What scares me about the incubus is this; He is a part of me in a way I can't explain. He accidentally happened into my life, like falling in front of a moving train. He inserted himself into my psyche like a lobotomy shot. I've been entangled with him intravenously ever since. He has some sort of hold on me I can't control.

Most people wouldn't understand a word I'm saying. He would.

That's the eerie part.

He understands the darkness I like to dwell in from time to time. He understands the loneliness I feel when I look into his eyes, knowing I will never be able to possess him. The incubus uses me for his bestial rapture.

When he touches me, he leaves bruises of flames across my skin. Obediently, I ask for the affliction over and over again while listening to his maniacal laughter. When he looks at me, I feel transparent. As if he can see every nerve ending bowing to his majesty. He says things to me that I've longed to hear, and then uses them against me in a power struggle over my heart and mind.

Why have I become a host to this incubus? I ask myself incessantly....

What kind of toy have I become?

When I met the incubus, he described one of his shortcomings as moodiness. Moody doesn't begin to explain the incubus. He can look at you with such adoration, your insides warm with the smoldering flame of devotion, and then utter something that can surround you within the confines of isolation.

I'm breakable around him. I've whispered love to him. I want to harness the incubus for my own. Everything about him, from his taste, to his smell, to the way he kisses my lips, make me lose all of the restraint I've gathered to fight him.

He is one seraphic creature. He makes all of my dreams seem like reality. He makes magic seem real. He makes me believe in fairy tales.

He also reminds me, there is a Boogeyman...


Why do I love him so?