Tell 'em why you mad, son...
 
Why am I mad, you ask?
 
I'll tell you why.  I'm noticing each time I decide to even let someone in, something happens that is just too dramatic for me to deal with.   I've been trying to let go of the past, embrace my present and look forward to my future.  With every chance I get, I try to make new friends, discover something new about myself, and absorb it all without any pain against me.   It hasn't been that easy, but it's been do-able.   I'm cool with do-able.  No one else is, though.
 
I think it's better I tell you now...
 
It's simply not fair when you have to tell someone you're not cool with the way things are going.  I'm usually a sympathetic soul when it comes to telling people the truth.  I want to be honest in every way, but something always comes in between that.  
 
Just recently, I spent some time with one I'll call the Professor. 
 
Now, the way the Professor and I started, it was a telephone/IM/email thing.  I really didn't want to start anything, only because Hidden Venom was occupying my time.  the Professor would leave annoying voicemails about how he wanted to talk, and how we needed to connect and all that other crap men tell women when they're interested.  The one phone call I decided not to ignore turned out to be a nice one,  and it began a really nice friendship. 
 
Until...
 
Understand when I say,  I would look forward to our talks.  He had a comfort level that I've always loved settling back with people.  We'd laugh, joke, and just politic about the ways of the world.  It was really nice, until love reared it's ugly head.  In one talk we had, towards the end of the week, he mentioned his feelings were very strong for me.  I made it clear that, I didn't want to lead him on, and our friendship was nice, but to give me some time.  I'm dealing with some major wounds, and I need to let them heal.  A relationship is so out of the question.  
 
He thinks I don't know...
 
Listen, I've seen him.  He's a very nice looking guy.  But he's not what I'm looking for.  Is that a shallow thing to say?  Hell no.  Why?  I believe, for myself, if I decide to settle down again, he has to encompass everything that I need.   He can't lack in any area.  If he lacks, then my eyes and my heart will go another way.   And that leads to more drama, which as you already know, I don't need.  I'm attracted to him for other reasons.  He's smart.  He's cool.  He's funny.  I like that about the Professor.  But, I'm not attracted to him physically.  As I've stated here before, I need a man that can rejoice in my temple over and over again.  I don't think he can do it.  It's not possible.  I kissed him yesterday, just to get it over with, and it had to be the most uncomfortable kiss that I've ever experienced in my life.  I've dated bad kissers.  Hell, I've dated the worst kissers.  He ranked #1 in the *NAKL.  And he left remnants and souvenirs of the event all over me.  With a salty, sweet, icky smell on my lips.  I think I'm still queasy. 
 
Here's the unfair part...
 
I've been honest with him, by saying, I didn't want a relationship.  I really don't think I need one.  Not right now.  He's saying he wants to be with me and ONLY me.  He's looking forward to sharing and loving and laughing and all that other Lifetime TV bullshit.  He wants to be my man.
 
Oh, no you don't....
 
I asked, since he became my friend, he get to know me and everything about me.  That should be enough right? Wrong.  Now he's backing me into a corner,  acting all strange and cold,  and I don't like that kind of shit around me.   With this kind of behavior, I can easily cut you off, and block you from my life.  I've done it before, and I can do it again, without the slightest worry.  But with him, I feel a genuine bond here, and I really want him as a friend, but all this love shit has to stop.  It's starting to feel stalkerish, and unwanted.  I don't want that from him.  I want a true friendship, with fun and laughter.   The relationship thing can wait.  I'd rather wait anyways.  I need to be with me before I let me be with anyone else.  I wish he could understand that.  I don't think he will though.... 
  
  
 
Another one bites the dust...
 
 

*Nasty Assed Kissers League