There's always something there to remind me...

I really need to develop some type of cold-blooded chromosome within me. I'm saying this because, no matter how I try to treat people good, I end up scraping the bottom of the pudding cup. Now, I'm a strong individual. I take good stock in myself, even though most people try to chip away at the esteem. Whether it's weight, looks, or something trivial or superficial, someone wants to destroy what I've built. Maybe it's a mechanism for people to feel better about themselves. I could care less.

Issues...

Issue #1: When a sexual relationship is established, there should be some ground rules, especially when I'm involved. When I make the statement of just wanting your body, accept that, and move on. Service me, and be gone with you. Don't linger, telling me how much you've begun to care. Then, when I decide to remove your name from the intercourse roster, don't act like you've done me a favor. You haven't. Don't tell me how you think we're moving too fast. Especially since I never made any comments about wanting anything with you, except for orgasms and cigarettes afterwards. That is, if I even had an orgasm w/o the help of my fingers and pelvic muscles.

Issue #2: If I stop speaking to you, block you from IM, delete your name, number, emails, and pictures, forget you even existed and just plain ignored your presence, leave me be. If I have a change of heart, and I start speaking to you again, re-add you to my buddy list, decided that you aren't a waste of air and skin, then, don't start the dialogue which made me eradicate you from memory in the first place. If you say something stupid, and I forgive you for it, accept the forgiveness and move the fuck on. Just wash your foot down with a beverage and shut the fuck up. Cool?

Issue #3: There is a time in every person's life when they've had it up to their eyeballs with the bullshit. No, I don't want your man. He's ineffective like you are. No, I don't want to have cheap sex with you, no matter how good you look. Operative word here, being cheap. No, I don't have the money to pay for your car to fuck some other bitch in. No, I don't want to marry you because you think I'm going to let you move in with me. No, I don't have $2500 to help you install a new boomin' system in your Navigator. And, no, I don't like you, no matter how many times you try to over-analyze, over-rationalize, and over-think each thing that I've said to you. I don't give a rat's ass how diplomatic your "bruhs" think you are. You can't win, money. Game over.

So I can't sleep, big deal...

Yeah, I had a lot to say.

Frankly, I feel much better. Most of this has been bottled up inside me, and I needed to let some of it go. Everyone who has wronged me in 2004 can kiss my entire ass. Take a week off.

Even though it's not in my nature to flip the whole world the bird, I still giggle knowing the bitter truth the whole time.


People just suck...

I can't sleep tonight...

Battling thoughts of rage is really hard for me these days. I've been involved with so much unnecessary nonsense lately, it's interfering with my slumber. Since I started this log, I've dealt with many entities. Far to many to mention. All with their own quirks, qualities, and quarrel-ridden psyches. Let's go into our latest episode with...

The Throwback...

Throwback has been a part of my life in a round about way. I've always shared a good word with him every now and again. Our bumping into each other turned into a slow grind. Honestly, I've shared good times with him. He's made me feel sensual, sexy and wanted. Yeah, I know, I've said that about a few of the characters mentioned here. I can say, we've gotten along great. Until his loose baggage came into play and made a level-headed geekgirl lose her cool. Don't argue with a fool. From the outside, no one can tell which is which. Yeah, I got caught up in the Drama Matrix.

The kid is not my son...

I'm a woman that lives in a black and white world. I have no room for gray areas. Once you start defining the gray areas, shit gets clouded and murky. Dealing with Throwback, gray areas have colored outside the lines. He has an ex. A newly demoted ex. He has accepted/claimed ex's child as his own. I'm not a woman who plays house. Especially with a child. Since I don't have any children, my honesty is razor sharp. No need for lies. Some children are being lied to day after day, with candy coated, fairy tales of success. Without the proper truth and teaching, they're set up to fail. My child will never experience this. Ever. Having said all of this, he's attached to ex's child. He's her Daddy. Well, her play daddy. The reason I have a problem with this is, I went through this same issue. Only, I was the child. It was explained to me that my Pop was not my biological, but a surrogate. A wonderful surrogate nonetheless. But, in this situation, this child does not know the truth. Thus, Ex has leverage.

Better be careful...

Since I've become the latest flavor of candy in Throwback's mouth, I've had to play Skycap*. Fuck dealing with extra baggage, this shit has been hitting me from all angles. I've lost my cool more than enough times than I need to admit. I'm realizing it's not worth it. No matter how many times Throwback told me I was the touchdown he's been trying to make since the season started.

Mr. Telephone Man, there's something wrong with my line...

The ex intercepted my phone number from Throwback's cell, and commenced to playing crank yanker. This hasn't happened since I was in elementary school. What gets me is, I've informed the Throwback of the issue. His statement to me was...

"I don't know who to believe..."

What the fuck?!?!?!

I'm a detective in the highest regard. I think fast and my common sense is top notch. I should be in forensics, my shit is so crunk. I figured out it had to be her, only because, the people I deal with don't have time to crank yank. We're all working for that common goal. Unlimited funds to kick back and enjoy life with. No one has time for such foolishness. So, here I am, a disgruntled Diva, whose slumber is disturbed by quiet calls of insecurity.

I don't wanna know...

The Throwback has dealt with this issue improperly. He doesn't want to face the fact of him being with a person that is capable of such childish antics. He also doesn't want to face the fact of dealing with someone of such high value. Yes, I value all that I am. Men who tend to choose me, know of the value. Whether they understand it or not? Another story. I think Throwback deals with women beneath him. Women who don't/won't aspire. Women who have issues and areas. Women who don't understand the wealth they possess in themselves. That poses a problem for me. It also means the extinction of Throwback's existence in my life. In a few words, it's over, son.

You're not man enough for me...

I can't deal with someone who doesn't have enough backbone to stand up for what he believes in. A man that can stand strong in his decisions and convictions, turns me on. Throwback is a waffler. He says one thing, but, because he hates conflict, he switches. Just to make everyone happy. I don't like that. He's decided not to deal with anyone, because he doesn't know who's telling the truth, and who's out to get him. And that includes me. The fool whose phone lines have been invaded with late night dialing sessions.

When will the bullshit end?

[edit] I've since spoken to the Throwback, and we've ironed out most of our differences. I'm still a bit uncomfortable with the way things went down, but returning is my Diva-lishus-ness. Although I was unnerved by the ghettoisms, I'm still the Catscratchiest Doesn't matter anyway, he took her side, fuck them both... [/edit]


*For those who don't know, a Skycap is a person who handles baggage at the airport.

It's been a long time...

I know I've been neglectful in letting the whole virtual world in on my life, but, things have been a bit hectic. Once I clean out the cobwebs, and figure out what I want to say, I'll be back. Just give me a little more time.

Just a little bit...