When the definition of madness is love...

What do you do?

Scream and run for the hills...

15 Days In...

Today marks the 15th day in the New Year. It's been a nice time for me so far. Nice and confusing. As always. I long for the day where things come less confusing and more concrete. I've been having feelings for people that I know I shouldn't be having, but, the more I contemplate, the more confused I become.

My work is routine and mundane. I have to write to keep my sanity. My love life is one enigma after another. It really shouldn't be this difficult. I look out into the world, and I see people in a state of lust and love. In my world, I have admirers, but, essentially, I'm fucked up.

How? What has been shown to me, in the form of a cobra with entrancing eyes, and an even more entrancing soul, I'm the fool with bite marks and poison coursing through her veins, with no hope of antidote.

Even though I know, there was nothing there for me, I still went along with the program. I knew I shouldn't have replied to the email. I knew I shouldn't have accepted the call. I knew I shouldn't have let go of her hand, again.

I'd like to emancipate myself from the disappointment. Easier said than done. I listen to other people explain love as if it were something easy to deal with. I'm noticing now I'm experiencing things a bit too deeply, and I don't know how to stop. I've always felt things differently than most. I've always wanted more. The mediocre is/was not acceptable. It's only right. I'm the one who holds the keys, yet, there are no doors to open.

Are there?

Roar...

I've started the New Year off with the Lion. The Lion is a sensitive soul with the largest sexual appetite I've ever encountered. I'm pretty greedy myself, but when we titans clashed, it was a war of wills. Who will submit, and who will remain victorious? To this day, I don't know who is the victor. Hell, I don't remember sleeping. The Lion is a soldier with alot on his heart, and a hunger in his groin. Although I like that type of challenge and will accept it head on, I don't think I deserve it. I want to heavily chain him for my pleasure only, but, I know I can't. His hunger has taken him over and in dealing with him, my hunger pangs have heightened to new levels I've never experienced. Weak ones will never be able to tame him. I, the warrior, have battle scars from trying to subdue him. I'm still nursing bruises and aching muscles.

Here's the funny part. I've fallen for his sensitivity. We want the same things in our lives, but we don't know how to get them. People always disappoint somehow, and even though I'm trying not to be jaded, it haunts me in the dark.

He mentioned a life he wanted that I've always dreamed about. One of a loving family. Sharing mortgage payments, school plays, Sunday dinners and summer barbeques. Mother's/Father's Days, and Valentine's nights. Unity and happiness.

I've always reserved the right to be cynical about that type of life, because it was one I've never experienced. It always seemed unattainable. With him I see things differently. I never wanted it this way. I wanted a meal every now and again. I never wanted him to sit down to dinner. I didn't even want to invite him. But, from one phone call, to a sharing of coffee in a quiet diner, to a make-out session in a front seat, opened my senses again. Opened them in a way where it seemed right, and I could enjoy it.

I am enjoying it, but what will it cost me...

Falling Out...

I think I'm just going to disappear for a while. I need to collect some things that I've lost throughout the last year. I'm going on a scavenger hunt. I need to find my mind, heart, and those black lace thongs I lost in the summer. I need to find solace, warmth, and logic. My common sense has been lost in the low tides and jagged reefs of Devil's Bridge, Antigua. But, my sexual awakening has been found in Camden, NJ.

What else will I need to lose, in order to find again?

Revolutions...

This year, I will be a warrior. I'm a warrior by nature, but I've been allowing my countryside to be invaded by renegades with less than savory motives. All of the things I've wanted and stated here, have not necessarily changed, but, they have evolved into something more feasible. It's almost like I've grown up, in a sense. I think I know what I want now. I'm not in love with my imaginary soldier anymore. That aesthetic doesn't exist. He's a figment of my fevered imagination. Okay, so maybe he is out there, but I've decided not to look for him anymore. I continue to stumble into ditches, without safety gear, and my knees keep getting scraped. I won't take anymore. My search ceased the night 2004 became 2005.

I, DivaCatscratch...

My revolution is as follows. I pledge to myself, this year, that I will calm down. I won't take myself so seriously. I pledge to be a bit more stern in my actions. I will no longer waiver and allow the corrupted to influence my judgement to consort with them. I pledge to love me a bit more. I pledge to laugh more than usual, and cry even less. I also pledge, my heart will no longer endure the violation it has accepted in the last years. I will renew it into its pure golden form, free of all hatred and disdain for lovers of the past. Emotional DIY. I will look toward my future, with my golden heart, and enjoy what's put before me, but reject what's not needed in my life.

Raise your glasses...

I'm good. Nah, I'm fantastic.

Glad to see you, 2005!