How I wish...This image says alot of things about my life, and how I view
Sisterhood. Frankly, I don't view sisterhood at all. It's a shame, but that's how it is. This picture represents the Sisterhood I wanted to be a part of. Sharing our differences and similarities, and loving us for us. Sadly, this is not my life.
I come from a large family of women. My grandmother had 14 children, 8 of which were girls. The
Sisters in my family have never gotten along. Well, on the surface of things, it seemed as if we were a loving family, and nothing would come between us. Blood is thicker than water, right? It turned out to be nothing but lies. They all hate each other in silence, masked with a false love of family. Jealousy runs rampant here. I still don't understand the reason why.
I have a family of very beautiful women. We all have our differences that make us beautiful, but, there has been an infection of self-esteem, self-worth and denial that festered in alot of our hearts. This is why I chose to break the cycle.
With my grandmother's having 14 children, there is a large number of cousins. Alone, I have over 50 first cousins that live here in Jersey. And those are just the ones we know about. You'd think there would be an unbreakable bond here. There isn't. The hatred and jealousy of the Sisters, trickled down to the cousins.
I, myself, have felt hatred and jealousy from my aunts and my cousins. For no apparent reason. I've heard the stories of old, where the elders of the family favored the lighter skinned children over the darker. Since I'm lighter, I guess that came into play. Compounded with the fact that instead of liking
The Jackson 5, which in fact I did, I liked
The Monkees. Also, I never was the "
average" black child, whatever that meant.
As I grew into a teenager, my likes for things different further singled me out. I was always singled out. Not because I created drama, but, I chose not to feed into the it. Instead of me talking about what bitch wanted to be like me, I converse of other issues. Other issues sustaining the fact that I think I'm better than everybody. Which is so far from the truth. I always wanted to belong. I wanted to be a part of this large family most people tend to recognize. I always imagined my cousins and I sharing a sisterly bond with one another. With all the cousins I have, there would have been no reason to venture out and adopt family members. My cousins hated the way I spoke and/or dressed. Proper english was a form of speaking white, cutting your hair and not dressing like everyone else was looked down upon, or, meant you were queer, crazy, or just corny. Which was never the case for me. My liking
The Cure instead of Guy (
I'm still feeling Teddy's Jam, though) further distanced me. In their eyes, I was an
outcast.
That's the most derogatory thing I've ever heard in my life. I'm trying to find my identity, and you single me out for it? Because of a few mundane facts that do not conform to the crowd, I'm ostracized from my family and I'm a sell-out to my race.
Bullshit...
As I went off to college, I started immersing myself in radical Black History. I'm a Black Panther buff. I love reading about how our brothers and sisters fought for a cause, and stuck together for that cause. Although they were infiltrated, my young mind held on to the fight and the struggle. In my mind, I was *
Elaine Brown's daughter. My shit was tight. I even started growing my hair natural. Because I wanted to identify, I felt (
again, in my young mind) I would be respected because I knew about my people. I knew about my struggles as a *
SBW. I was down, and I knew that.
When I came home from college, the same people I looked up to and allowed to break me down into an insecure person, didn't know what the hell was up with the world. Here I am, trying to hold my head up high, and trying to impress people that didn't even care if I tried. These are women that will easily cut you down for liking Nirvana, but were hypocritical in their beliefs. Women who believe what people tell them instead of drawing their own conclusions. Women who follow others, instead of listening to themselves. That is, if they ever had their own voice to listen to.
That was such a shock for me...The very women I wanted to be like, ended up being a house full of cackling hens, speaking no more of sex w/o condoms, hip hop beef and coochie hair.
Yes, people, this has been topic of major concern.
For this, I chose to distance myself. I chose to live a life full of new experiences and challenges. I live for me. Not for my family. Sometimes I wish I had a better bond with them, but, since I've been shredded by them, I opt for distance. Instead of hearing how much better I think I am, I have people who truly care for me. People that truly love me and truly know who I am, and what I'm capable of.
Too bad I can't say that about my own...*SBW - Strong Black Woman
*The Black Panthers were initially formed to protect local communities from police brutality and racism. The group also ran medical clinics and provided free food to school children. Within a couple of years the Black Panthers in Oakland were feeding over 10,000 children every day before they went to school. The leaders of the Black Panthers were influenced by the ideas expressed by Malcolm X in the final months of his life. The Panthers therefore argued for international working class unity and supported joint action with white revolutionary groups. The Black Panthers eventually developed into a Marxist revolutionary group. Elaine Brown joined the Black Panther Party and helped to turn it into a supporter of women's rights. In 1974 Brown was elected party chief.
