This is me, now...

I'm sitting here at my brother's house, and I've had a long talk with my sister-in-law. I've been doing my usual spazzing out, and I've been trying to make sense of my nonsensical life's drama. I have trust issues as it has been documented in this diatribe, but I'm wondering now, could it be the very reason of my undoing. I mean, could it be the very reason love eludes me so?

Love always finds me in very different states, thoughts, and being in my life. Sometimes it can be the most engrossing thing that I've experienced. Then it could turn into the most frustrating thing on my nerves. What I've come to realize is, I never take the time to just breathe. Just be.

Just live...

Sometimes it's difficult for me to do this. It's hard for me to let things just be. I try to be the most coolest chick there is. I try to be the best friend, the lover, and the porn star, but my personality is so damn controlling, I tend to want more from my victims, erm, counterparts. What I'm finding is, I need to fall back on a lot of things I find that I have the most passion for.

Shhh...Don't tell nobody...

But...

I'm definitely spoiled. I want attention right now. Although I do get my share, I want more than I think I need. It's funny, nothing's wrong right now, and I definitely don't need my insecurities to start speaking to me, telling me there are things wrong. I'm just not a creature of change, just a creature of habit. When things change, I suspect the worst, and I need to stop doing this. Which is kinda bad on my part. I don't need to be suspicious of people. I don't need to spazz out on people that I don't need to. I don't need to involve myself in shit I don't need to involve myself in. Actually, sometimes, I just don't need to do anything.

In and out...

I just need to breathe...

I need to live...

A Day In The Life of A Workin' Kitty...

I start my day as usual, nothing special. Coffee in the morning, calls until noon, everything else until it's time to go. Nothing serious. Faces are all the same to me. Usually, people remind me of other people I've worked with. Like they've changed their clothes, and hair, but they always remain the same set of people that I've crossed paths with. Which leads me to my next entry...

The Doppelganger...

Since I've started this exchange with Crown, things have been pretty hard. I mean, long distance relationships have always been my cup of tea. But, this one? I'm pretty numb, man. I haven't seen him in, like, ever (okay 1 week) but it feels like years. So, it's an uphill battle, but, I'm keeping the faith. Until the next time he snatches my very soul from my flesh. But I digress...

The Doppelganger represents everything that I see in my Crown. From mannerisms, to the way he looks, hell, from the very look in his eyes. I mean, his eyes are no match for my Crown's eyes, but, everytime I see the Doppelganger, I break out in heated flushes of cold, as if my Crown is upon me. My body knows no boundaries. My insides start to screaming, and I start to blush. As if this man knew my very secrets, like the Crown does. As if he's seen me in post-coital position, wiping essence from my lips and chin. The really funny thing is, the Doppelganger doesn't look as if he's from this country. He may be East Indian, or Trinidadian. But, my Crown, is of African-American descent, by way of VA.

How is that ultimately possible?

I guess I just miss him. Want him. Need him.

Yeah, that's it...